Mr Herschell from downstairs has the weirdest friggin’ goldfish! Lucky for him, I have some pretty solid experience looking after peculiar pets. Here are some hard-earned pieces of wisdom I’d like to share with you.
Friends, some of you have expressed concern about my downstairs neighbor, Mr Herschell, after I happened to shove him into an infernal gateway to the watery hell of Yaddith-Gho. However, I can confidently report that Mr Herschell is fine and well in his new oceanic home.
If, like me, you’ve recently become a host for a parasitic sentient jellyfish with aspirations of godhood, lost your home to an invasion of cockroaches on a fast-tracked evolutionary path to nuclear civilization, and suspect that this may all be due to your downstairs neighbor’s dabbling in black sorcery, you’re probably feeling a little down in the dumps – or even outright terrified for your own survival.
In life, it’s important to maintain a sense of calm and confidence – especially if you’ve found yourself waist deep in a gunky underpass after being forced out of your home by an invasion of super-intelligent cockroaches. And especially since there seems to be something moving in the sludge and you can’t help thinking of those Amazonian creatures that swim up your winkie hole and lodge themselves there by spreading out their spines. Your success depends on your state of mind. Reprogram your consciousness with these clinically-tested affirmations.
Give up right now. There’s no hope. With each succeeding generation they become larger and more aggressive. In fact, having personally run the calculations, I can confirm that after the sort of exponential population explosion we’re talking about here, there is an approximately 1 in 16,000 chance that pretty soon these bastards are going to reach a level of intelligence equivalent to that of a cat.